Tuesday, December 27, 2016

I'm afraid. But I have choices

I’ll sit on my deck
I bet the warm winter air
Will blow my hair
In a way some might say
Is beautiful
I’ll eat a cookie
Meant for Santa
That I could not finish
On Christmas night
And maybe
There will be a star
To wish on
If I believed
In wishes

But I don’t
I believe in loss
Love
Mistakes
Pain
Wine
Chocolate
Hugs.  Oh!  I believe in hugs so much
Music is an amazing thing to add to the list

When I was young
I fell in “love” with boys who barely knew my name
I sang them songs
Plunked out on simple piano notes
No chords
Just words
And tears
I wrote tear stained poetry
And lamented
Tender hearts
Left broken
On sandy shores

I’ll sit on my deck
Now
Eating Santa’s cookie
Looking at stars 
And knowing
What it is to be alone
It’s so odd
What humans can do…

I hurt then:  I remember a babysitter’s bed
In Martha’s Vineyard
Where I learned that the “he” I thought would “be”
Had lied and “loved”
TWO others.
I thought my heart died that day
And I thrashed at the sheets and tore my hair
Till my everything was spent.
And off I went, to babysit

We live…when we choose to not end it
And when cancer and luck and heart disease
Don’t jump in our bath with a toaster
We live
And we remember the pains that painted everything
Onto our bodies
The backside of our eyelids
That changed the tempo of our hearts.

But left them
Beating

I’ll sit on my deck
My hair might blow in the breeze in a way
Someone might say
Makes me look beautiful.

I won’t feel beautiful.
I barely feel alive
But that
Is what
I am

So I promise
Thought I’m terrified to tears
I promise I’ll try
To honor that life.

I’ve known too many

Who’ve died.