Really, all I want is to do little harm. I'd like to say "do no harm", but who am I kidding with that one? I'm still on the journey that is taking me down addiction road...and trying to drag one foot along the dirt path beside me...I'm doing okay with that, but I can't keep messing with powers that are stronger than I am. Like entropy. Entropy is way stronger than me...
I sit for one day, and all of a sudden, it's my whole vacation, and we still have no clean underwear. I think I have washed my kids three times over the last two weeks. I have three kids. By three times, I mean that I have washed them each, randomly, once in the last two weeks.
I try to channel the Sweet Honey In The Rock song...There Were No Mirrors...because I wonder what my kids will get from this...from me...from these years. I am trying to be strong...honest...real. And the reality is that I love them so much it's a special kind of crazy. And I still cannot expect them to fill me...and I am trying to show them how to be lost and broken and hurt and lost...and strong inside it all.
Is the beauty in MY eyes? Do they know that there is nothing that can make them more beautiful than to be seen through my eyes?
Do they know that because I am broken, I am open...broken open...to all that life is, that life offers, that life takes...that I see the real for what it is...that I embrace the pain in order to remain open to the hope...do they KNOW how much I was loved and how rare and special that is? How imperfect that is?? It's my job to let them know.
That's one good thing. I'm crap at lying about this...so they will hear it, one way or another. And I pray, so deeply, that they see that the memories that leak out of my eyes
enable my face to