More than what I have (poem)

I cannot close my eyes
My arms break and
they cannot break
I've journeyed long, curving roads
turned down paths with
darkened, horrific abhorations
and paths
with playful pixie like bubbling giggles
of hope and light

My path now
is heavy...
deeply padded with tangled undergrowth
moments of magic that twist
tools that should be built
of hope
and instead bring
a bitterness, confusion, judgement

I search for strenght
inside and around me
mountains
clouds
rays of sun that reach to the smallest crevice

I pray for poems to pave my path
toward a heart of love
when love has been wrung
from mine
like a dirty rag twisted
dripping into a sink full with
crusted dishes.

I feel the hole
inside myself
there are no metaphors
I simply try to fill it
with hope and love
forgiveness

and I step out
into the world

am crushed
by the reality

in quiet corners
good people do not judge
they lift me up, open the doors
of the world to beckon
the most positive things
various versions
of strength

and
in the open
lives nothing
but
judgement

Numbers dance across
painting pallets
graphs and statistical outputs
push away
hands that hold
embrace
lift up
and nudge notes of simple
songs into mud-like mounds
of mostly meaningless
numbers

I search
for a voice
a sound
a smooth surface to trace
my finger across

and my broken arms
ache again

and my mind spins circles
asking questions
that have no answers

the judgement stands
with no
connections
no rope
no net to hold me

so
behold
my naked form
with bleeding heart
broken arms
searching soul
singing songs to search for things
that might
be
right

And none of it
nothing
is enough

The world wants
something
more