when is it enough?

I'm not posting much, as my computers keep getting broken. The problem is, my heart is also broken. And this season brings more awareness of that shatter. I met a couple the other night...or met them again. And I found myself NOT mentioning my widow status. But it was a force of will. I wanted to...

What is a heart but a beating organ
That we infuse with magical powers
A walking broom
In an empty castle searching
For the sorcerer who awoke it.

What is failure when the heart
Strives for success
Is there
An appropriate punishment
Discipline
For a soul striving to heal and grow and
Teach

There are blurry moments of
Everyone trying
And so few connecting

Fingertips swollen
With knitting wounds
Eyes swollen with the knowledge
That nothing connects

I'm older and I have no answers
Just more generalized questions
Greater perspective
No less deprecation

I'm tired
Of sitting in the dark
Trying to define my failure
My pain
My emptiness
And tired
Of being judged unworthy
When does it stop?
Effort
Is nothing
Only outcome
Matters
And what comes out
Is clearly
Not
Enough.