Here it is: I have been searching for a replacement. Not that I think John can be replaced. But I sincerely loved the way he filled me up...my life, my heart, the space around me and within me.
But I haven't been searching for something new. I've been hoping to find him again, some version of him. An immediate replacement...someone to slip into my life in the place where he was. But that isn't dating. That isn't hoping. That isn't moving forward. That is clinging to what was...what has died. Perhaps to grow, to move on, I must accept my desire to go back. Admit that I don't even know how to hope for anything other than him.