Here it is: I have been searching for a replacement. Not that I think John can be replaced. But I sincerely loved the way he filled me up...my life, my heart, the space around me and within me.
But I haven't been searching for something new. I've been hoping to find him again, some version of him. An immediate replacement...someone to slip into my life in the place where he was. But that isn't dating. That isn't hoping. That isn't moving forward. That is clinging to what was...what has died. Perhaps to grow, to move on, I must accept my desire to go back. Admit that I don't even know how to hope for anything other than him.
Acceptance is the first step. Of course you want him. I'd want Jake if he was gone. But I do know I'd want to be filled up again too. And I do know I'd look. And as much as I hate to think about it, I'm sure eventually I'd find someone to fill in the place where he once laid, though it'd never be him. And I'd need to learn to accept that. Having had a marriage end and that person leave from my life, I have experienced a shade of it. We loved each other dearly but the relationship in essence died. Sometimes even now I feel strange with it bot being him beside me. I know this is different but I hope you can see the relationship. I love Jake dearly and can't imagine a world without him. And I also could not have imagined a world without my ex and all our trials and tribulations. I'd be happy to talk more about it if it'd be useful. But on an empathetic level I do understand to the degree that I can and there to support. /non judging tired word vomit
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