Sunday, August 31, 2014

aw, John...baby...how did you do it?  How did you stay so damn positive??  I told you when things looked rough that I didn't know how I would make it through...you only thought about how you wouldn't be here.  I get that.  I see how in some ways your deal was far far worse...you are gone.  You don't get to see the babies grow.  I know you wanted nothing more than to be there to walk Cilly down the isle.  I swear on everything that if I could have traded places with you, I would have.  But I am here.  I have to handle every fight, as well as participate in every joy.  I have to wash every dish and plan every meal...quiet every tear and answer every question.  And I have to do it all alone.  I have no one to back me up or give me a break.  I miss you so damn much it is like a disease in my heart and mind and soul.  I don't know who I am or where I am going without you.  You always dreamed so well...wished and fantasized, reached for things and pushed yourself to add to your life resume.  I don't know how to live up to that...I don't know how to be that good or that strong.  I don't know what I am doing or how to get from one step to the next, and I hate that I even have to think about doing it all without you.

It's like I'm blind, in a way.  I stumble through, trying to understand how it should be...but I'm not only blind, I'm carrying so much weight...not just on my body.  I'm carrying the weight of three babies, the history I came to you with, and so much nothing beside me its as if I could name the pile of emptiness.

I'm not mad at you.  You would have lived to three hundred if you could have.  I am just so mad that the universe took you...left me alone to be the mommy...to be by myself again.  You promised me I would never be alone again, yet here I am...falling back into old stupid, hurtful routines.  Trying to be worthy of your love, of your legacy.  I'm not as good as you.  I don't know what I am doing.  I miss you.

The rub?  It doesn't matter.  None of it.  Because you are gone and I am here and I have to and will do everything possible to be the best person I can be...tonight, today is just a pity party.  I hate it.  But it's part of the journey.  Help me be strong, my dear...I need your help.