So my secret saving graces
have worn out their welcome
a shadow from the past
that shouldn't have been seen
has faded
I put down the lighter
put the cork back in the bottle
sorry to hear you are having such a hard time
but stop it
make a goal
have a plan
choose a strategy
I think school can be a good place for you
leave your life and your worries at the door
be a star shining a bit brighter because the world around you is so dark
I'd like to run. Can't leave the kids for extended times
and my right knee really hurts
Meditation, perhaps. But I fall asleep
and the Monk has said if you fall asleep when you try to meditate
well, you were tired
and needed sleep
like learning a back flip
it takes determination
guts
hard work
falling on your face over and over
but I imagine, like learning a back flip
just because you land once
doesn't mean you will do it the next time
you have to keep flipping
landing and falling and over shooting scraping skin and launching off
till you finally stick it
I'm trying
with every load of laundry
every birthday party
every cooked meal set at a table with candles
every book read at bedtime
how can surviving and getting through
breathing
not be enough
of a goal? Is it like the quote
telling you to shoot for the moon
because even if you miss
you will end up among the stars?
What if you started
underground? buried alive?
It takes a long time to tear away
at the coffin surrounding you
with only teeth and nails
then burrow up to the sky again
and that is just surviving
yet it is a miracle battle beyond belief
Goals are a good idea. Focusing beyond
where you are likely to land
But patience is also powerful
and if it takes a while
to claw my way out, well, then
so be it.
You know, Jared and I were talking about this in therapy last week. He was bagging on me for not being as goal oriented as he is. He needs to know there's something in the works. Likes to have it written down and shoot for it. If you miss, that's ok, but at least it's a shared goal.
ReplyDeleteHe said, "I feel like you are just puttering along - muddling through and doing whatever the day hands you and it drives me crazy"
I keep trying to explain to him - this is my goal at the moment. it's not because I won't want to have bigger goals. It's because muddling through a day where nothing goes wrong is a huge accomplishment for me right now. Not hating every moment and being afraid of every conversation and worrying that I'm not pleasing him while managing to also do my job and eat two meals and make it into bed without wanting to die is a step above where I am.
He doesn't understand depression and fear. He doesn't understand that the doctors are trying to figure out which medication works and while that's going on, we wait and suffer the side effects.
So yes - I'd like to shoot for the moon, but I have to come up from underground and find my chosen weapon first.....
Beautiful analogy.