bloggety bloggety bloggety blah....I want to write, I want to look at house, I want to find a way to stop hashing over things that can't be changed. I want to have friends to hang out with I want to know what I want.
Different friends have mentioned publishing this...but I can't do that. It isn't done. And how will it be? It's a screwed up amalgamation of poetry and journal entries, worrying about grief and money and work and beauty and finding my place. How is that ever done?
I'm wearing John's ProAction fleece and drinking...that is not right. my babies want me to watch the Lorax with them. I should. But it's nice out, so I am sitting on my swing out in my mess of a backyard. I want my own place. I want to live in a place that does not have a home owners association.
A friend and his kids came over last night. He asked what other friends I had locally besides him and his wife...what other girl friends I had locally. I laughed. There's a bunch of ladies I wish were my friends, that I like and who seem to like me...but with three kids and no babysitter, how can I build friendships?? Without friendships, how do I find ways to make time for me without kids??
When you are married, your lack of life still exists in this realm of companionship. When you don't have anywhere to go, you still have someone to talk with, someone to hold hands with, to watch shows with.
I'm so tired of being sad. I'm tired of hearing the wishes my heart projects for company and connection. If I'm tired of hearing it, what the hell must others around me feel??
I know that I can be happy on my own. But I'm not on my own...I am a mother of three and I am never on my own. I am needed all day every day, even when we are not together. I need to find a way to fill my own cup, my own bucket. But I just don't know how.
I have to go sit with my sweet babies. I didn't show up. She tells me so. No fixes, but what I have to give. I can do it. Even if I can't, I have to. so, yeah. here we go.