Wednesday, February 6, 2013

empty

well, we did it.  Today we talked about John dying. We have both been fighting off tears throughout the day.  I hate this more than I can express.  I hate cancer.  I hate how many innocent, kind, wonderful people are lost every damn day.  I hate that my family will be one of those statistics soon.  All I wanted was someone to love and grow old with.  I wanted John.  And now I have to watch him die...so all I can do is try to be strong and make sure with every move that he knows I love him and would marry him a hundred times over...and that shouldn't  be hard, but I'm so damned stressed that it is, just because I am Snappy McSnappington...I need to breathe...I need to curl up in his arms.  But I sleep on his left side, and that arm can't even hold me anymore'

I want to ask Glennon at Momastary if she and the Monkees can help us raise money to take some sort of trip around the country to different National Parks, or maybe take a cruise...who knows, right?  A few friends have told me to reach out to her...her blog is wonderful...John keeps talking about making this his heaven.  I want to help with that.  I know I have the strength to do that, in small moments, but how do I sustain that when all I want to do is crumble and hide?  Break things and scream?  Dissolve, drift away, become something else.  Seafoam like the real little mermaid, not Ariel.  I want to say I would sacrifice myself for him.  I don't know if I would...if I could.  I just want him to stay.

Why can't the dream I live be anything other than a nightmare...I have had enough...