Sunday, February 3, 2013

2 days

In the last two days, too many people have talked to me about John dying. I would be an ingrate if I said anything other than it has all been said in love, support, and tenderness.   It was.  And it was taken that way.  And I feel myself change.  And quiet.  And, in ways, retreat.  We find out in the next three days what is happening.  He can hardly walk.  I have to dry him after the shower, help with his underwear and pants, lift his arm like a dead-weight...this man who got on a two wheeler at three years old, who you couldn't MAKE fall, now falls at least once every day.

I have three magical humans that grew from my body, three small people that fill me with more love than I thought possible, all a gift from the man of my dreams.  Who is dying now.  I thought I should write "probably dying" but he doesn't read this blog, so I guess I can be honest here.  Sooner or later, this will kill him.  And I will have to find a way to raise our kids alone.  I will have to find a way to enter the dating world again, something I was NEVER good at.  My friend, whose a**hole husband left her and her amazing two boys, left her an in, at least.  He left her accidental access to the husband of the woman he left her for...and that, oddly enough, worked.  I heard about how Maids of Honor and Best Men at weddings were basically marriage insurance back in the day...and to be honest, I was, at one point, attracted to his best man, I think that was the messed up, never work out, sort of attracted..and I couldn't go there regardless...

I want to hide my head in the sand, plug my ears and pretend I can't hear anything, squeeze my eyes shut...but I can't.  Someone has to be there for my babies.  And show them we can still smile in the midst of all this.

I want to drape myself in Universalist Unitarian jewelry and decorations... because the people we have met there are helping us and holding us up at every turn.  They are the family of my dreams.  One door closes and another opens.  I am grateful, scared, sad, and angry beyond belief. Except, I finally believe...in the inherent goodness of people.  Not that we are all good, but there are so many more good people out there than I ever realized.  Look for the heroes, big and small... they are out there.  And they are overwhelming.  Amazing. We have the potential...let's keep helping each other realize it...