Sunday, January 13, 2013

John's 45th Birthday

Today, my husband turns 45.  Happy Birthday!!!!  We got him and the family a little dog, named Sammy.  He is such an incredibly perfect fit, it seems odd that he hasn't always been here.  He and Sokka already play tug, he slept with us last night, and so far makes us all smile an incredible amount.

Last night, my "bonus mom" called to tell us about a woman who beat her GBM.  She talked, in the interview, about how she felt God had a plan for her.  I keep thinking that maybe I should try to pray.  I mean, I do pray, but maybe I should pray more.  I think about Scott and how his family told him his mother died because he wouldn't pray for her and I just can't believe there is truth in that.  Another friend shared after I asked her about her thoughts on this...after my discussion with her, I thought maybe it is the type of thing you have to pull waaaay back to understand.  That seems to be the only way I can even pretend to make sense of it.  If "JimBob" dies of cancer, and we see it from just here and now, and he has a lovely wife and three amazing kids who need him, well, it just isn't fair.  But if we pull far enough back to see forward in time, perhaps a generation or two down the line, someone from his family is the one to discover the cure to cancer and would never had done so had he not died.  Here is my flaw with that vision:  there are just so many many good people that die, they can't all be related to the future person who makes that discovery. 

Perhaps it is somehow related to the opening of hearts that happen when he are hit by pain.  Except that is not always what happens.  Not at all.

I also think about how humans always strive for meaning, even when there isn't any. 

Mostly, I just wish that I could have a normal life.  I used to laugh at that phrase- what is normal supposed to be?  Now, I would settle for any version of it.  Even just one where I don't think about death every single day.  No matter how gently I treat those fleeting thoughts, they are still there.  John is getting tired more and more easily.  His left leg is heave and he is limping.  Thankfully, his field of vision loss is not one the eye doctor said will effect his driving.  But it makes so many little things harder- he bumps into me all the time; when we are in the car and I am driving, I find that I constantly use small gestures to add meaning to what I am saying which he can no longer see.  The other night, I took him out for his birthday and at one point, the waitress brought over a dessert menu for him to see and leaned down to show it to him.  He didn't even turn his head and I realized he had no idea she was there...

This woman who survived was young, younger than John, and stubborn.  She not only has no visible tumor on her MRI now, but she was able to have a lovely little girl, which they thought was a bit beyond highly unlikely.  Such an amazing story!  I need to find a way to not fear believing in hope...I won't give up trying.