We are approaching 4 years. You'd think that the knock-you-on-your-ass tears were pretty much done. And by "you'd" I mean "I'd". But then, once again, I'd be wrong.
They ended pretty abruptly today though. Almost as quickly as they began. Beginnings come from odd and somewhat pointless places. I was putting dishes away. I just watched the last (latest) (on Netfix) Supernatural and I was sad because I miss being friends with my brother. And as I was putting dishes away, it occurred to me that I wasn't supposed to do that ALONE every damn time.So this time, it began with small, square dishes. Most of those damn dishes I bought with John. He was supposed to wash when I cooked. That was always the deal. But now, well, there isn't a deal. I just do what I can, when I can, so sometimes it sits. But the small, square dishes with the orange and blue and yellow stripes made me cry. Because I can touch them and remember dozens and dozens of meals we've had on them. Without him. And he was supposed to BE there.
And yes, I want the chance to tame and be tamed again. More than anything. And that makes tears stream like a stuck drinking fountain. I think I am done and I walk away and realize, um, yeah, nope. Left that one open and it's still going. Heh. Oops.
And that's okay. It's good to want that. I think. I believe it is...and what I KNOW is that I may not always do the best with my plan book, but I walk in my classroom every day fighting for the chance to love, cheer for, believe in, help, redirect, and listen as much as possible to as many humans as I can. And when I come home, I do it again, at defcon level 10 for my babies. Whatever the situation. And that, that is a blessing. Even if I do end up on the floor, caressing a photograph with a sparkling smile from long ago...a guy in a blue t-shirt with a monkey on his shoulder and smile lines like sunshine parenthesis, crying so hard I have to bite on a paper towel to dim the sounds and allow the kids to sleep.
I guess if I had a choice, and the choice couldn't include him, I'd choose to bring on the tears. Because every moment with him made me a better person. In so many ways.
And also for them