Tuesday, March 5, 2013

some hard stuff

disclaimer for my husband:  please, if you read this, please please know that my greatest wish is that you were back to yourself, cancer free, and ready to live to a ripe old age- ear hair, poor hearing, and all, hugging all over and making inappropriate gestures and lewd jokes.  Don't think for even a tiny fraction of a moment that I feel otherwise!

To the hard stuff....I am really struggling with watching him struggle.  I read so many little things here and there about how people have faith, stay positive, hopeful...ready to say they will NOT be taken.  I think we have lived there for two years quite well.  I just don't know that we can continue to maintain that line of thought.  Or at least I don't know if I can.

Now, I think that if he "beats it", what does that even mean?  Will he be like this forever?  Barely able to walk or dress himself?  Sleeping most of the time, struggling with the anger created by not being able to help with anything?  That sucks.

I feel like I want to pickle my brain so that I can't think about it.  But that doesn't help him or the kids.  But I don't feel strong enough to let myself cry in front of the kids right now.  I have before and I will again, but I just feel like if I let myself go there and start, then stopping is going to be too big an effort.

I am having strong moments- telling Cilly to cry with her face in the pillow and not giving in to her tears to get what she wanted.  I did let her come in once she had stopped crying, but she had to sleep on the floor by my bed.  And I kept my tone loving which was SOOOO hard!  I am getting better, in moments, with moderating my tone in general.  Which helps.  Like when your dog is chewing something you do not want them to chew, you don't yell a them- instead you tell them what a good dog they are and call them to you.  Works way better than chasing...

and the hard stuff again?  I don't know what to wish for, for him or for me.  I want him well and whole and himself.  I want to be a team again, to remember what it feels like to be more or less happy.  But if I can't wish or pray him well, then what?  What do I wish or pray for?  I don't even want to type any of the alternatives.  Forget thinking about them.

Suffice it to say, how the hell am I supposed to live, love, function, hope, play, laugh, grow, be anything even close to whole after I lose him??  How???