not sure what to put as a title. Lost and spinning my wheels. I don't know how to accurately explain how much I hate this. I am clinging to the fact that John is still strong. What the hell will I do when he isn't? 7 years. That is how long we have been married. Every question I have comes back to the response about how life isn't fair, so I will omit the questions since I am sick of that answer. Suffice it to say it isn't enough. It isn't over, and it isn't enough. I just want to find the focus and strength to be strong in the fight. Or maybe a way to accept the fact that I am strong. I remember when I was on my own...maybe it was Maine? And my tire blew on the way to work...I happened to be in front of a cop when it happened and he gave me a ride to Sears. When the guy told me how much it would be (this was before I had my first credit card), I stood and looked at him, and burst into tears. The poor guy just stood there and opened and shut his mouth like a fish...I dam the tears much better now. Aiden makes me nuts and I lose it, but just for the briefest second... I apologize and tell him that even though he makes me nuts, it never even changes the amazing amount I love him. We use John's phrase: he is the best kid ever, and I am lucky to have him.
I don't want to write any more. I just don't want John to go. I don't want any body else. And I don't want to be alone. Please. If not for me then for my babies. Please. He is so good for all of us.