Dissolving Into Light

In order to find the strength

To make deep connections

We need to dissolve

Our own story

Like salt swirling through warm water

We sink into our screaming souls

And leave the tales behind

Until

With careful

Quiet footsteps

 Kimon Maritz

We can sneak up softly on

who we all are

in the darkest parts of the shadows

and pause

slow down long enough

to look closely.

Pause

A safe distance from that which calls to us

So we can listen           

Listen through the tips of our ears

Listen to the balls of our feet

Listen with fibers and follicles

Until, with only a script dissolved

Our essences vaporize fog-like

Evaporating river water till it curls

Snakelike and writhing as

Words written on paper boat prayers

Float on, hoping to survive the passage home

We are wishes made on stardust

A moment, an eon, of brilliance

More than 4.3 light-years away

And simultaneously, that stardust

Is us.

93% of each of us

We have, in a way, already survived then

For long, long ago,

Days when the world was young

Someone looked up

The sky blurred with tears

Because they felt all the feelings you now feel

And wished upon a star

That now, you

Are made of-

You, all cracked and smelly

Angry and scared

Scarred and broken

Imperfect and whole

Are the most perfect offering that

Has always been

When a cave is cracked in the smallest fragment of an arc

It takes only a tiny sliver of silver glimmer dissolved

To light

It

Up.

As We All Are

"To realize that everything in the universe is connected is to both accept our insignificance and understand our importance in it." ~Jeffrey Fry

I

Shrinking the anxiety HOUSE
till it is small enough to hold...no...
To pinch
between forefinger and thumb
And hold before your
Squinted peering eyes So interesting, to view it from here
"David", turned somehow to "Goliath"
The power now available
To *you* From victim, to wanderer, to student, to
Poet,
To adventurer, to teacher to
MOTHER
To wife, too soon to widow. To
WARRIOR until
you listen to your skin
As well as pay attention to
Your heart, let the spirit
Pulse
Into you
Into you and through you

II

Life will lead in a dance
swirling you
tiptoes-beyond-tango fast
So fast high heels snap
and bare feet fall slapping
To the dance floor
Below The conundrum, heavy and awkward,
Loudly clunks,
Clanging as the warrior
Attempts to glide
across the dance floor It crashes against her chainmail...if
Armor

is what
That really was meant
To be...
For really, how do you define "warrior"?
That question is the conundrum, after all

III

I had a dream once
Of a mostly naked woman
Barefoot and oh, so strong
Forging a necklace
Of iron, stone, silver and bone But the buyer never came
So she forged on
Facing the fire over and
over
With iron, hammer, and anvil
stones and sandpaper,
Silver and bezel pusher
Bones and a dremel with a diamond bit
Creating She is a well armed WARRIOR
Yes. Perhaps. Yet...
Tilt
the
perspective
To see a different side: No need for warrior words, for
She is WOMAN.
In all her majesty
Not armored
But decorated, adorned
Of her own doing
And oh! Armor would be so redundant
Anyway...
For ultimately She IS the divine power
The very force
That drives the waves... As we all are

Each in our own right.

Adding to vastness

My life is
a mother's hands
cleaning cuts
and washing dishes

My life is
a teacher's heart
hearing fears
and cultivating curiosity

My life is
a widow's weeping tears that fall
tiny glass shattered shards
that land silent on a heaving breast
littering it in fissures

My life
moves on
and the question calls
querying trembling arms and soul alike
asking all of me:
How do you love this life?

The words are formless wisps of long
lost dream mists and arms, reaching
and returning empty
so many
times.

The thing is, I don't just feel the tears fall, Love...
I am
the tears.

I see the lives growing, coming, going
the ones that are mine
the ones that I only borrow
the ones I would hold forever, if forever
was a thing

The sight of them sharpens in my deep black
pupils, expanding in the dark
of dusk

There is wordless wonder
in the care we offer each other
man to woman
mother to child
Wordless, ending,
rending wonder

My life is
a tiny opportunity
to learn, notice, dance, cry...
How do you think the vast, majestic oceans stay
so full
if not, in part, for the depth of all our tears?

My life, if it has taught me nothing else
has shown me that this "Love"
is not a thing to avoid.  It is, in fact
the only thing aside from pain that is
boundless

Love and pain: they tie us to each next step, like birth
and a forgetting of where we came from
before.  Another chance
and a loss wrapped into a single soft embrace

It is the entwined existence of these twin pieces,
practically diametrically opposed
Antipodean dancers,
that create us, bring us forth, and cradle us
That give us
Life

Whatever else my life may be
with its deep echo solitude searching,
its wide eyes, clenched fists and racing heart,
its outstretched arms, twinkling eyes, and its lilting,
lyrical, (oft too loud) laughter

it is a moment in which I have the chance
to add a drop or two
to the
vastness
of
All of us.

My Heart, A Watering Hole

My heart, a watering hole

“They both listened silently to the water, which to them was not just water, but the voice of life, the voice of Being, the voice of perpetual Becoming.”

~Hermen Hesse, Siddhartha

I. Recognizing Desertification

In a loud room

Full of buzzing voices, gaming shouts, and gales of giggles

Slow down.

Find the silence

Focus inward.

You are the only one who knows

What opening feels like

And closing down.

You cannot define that for another.

I can see him

In the red/black blue/black

Backdrop

Behind my eyes

He is walking beside me

Encased in his memory

His shields are up thick and high

Warning me to keep my guard up

Which I will not do

I’ve spent my life learning

How to remain open

And now I see

The key has been here all along

It’s a matter of me loving me

More than anyone else can ever harm me

Look in my own eyes

Revel in my own beauty,

love,

       tenderness

I cannot have expectations for you

Set your goals

Choose your path

I cannot open your heart.

I can, however, find ways to show kindness

I can find ways to be a source of comfort,

Joy, laughter, companionship

I can be with you on your journey, if you let me

Because I’m learning to be with myself

On mine

II. Saving the rain water

What happens inside me is

Like a black and white movie

Fed and refed, to play on an endless loop

A little girl wonders where the arms have gone

The ones that were meant to embrace her

A young woman does not believe the mirror

But the words of friends and family condemning her moment of confidence

I want to be told I am beautiful

Over and over

I want to be seen.

I want someone outside myself

To look at me dressed

                In a ball gown

                In a Tardis dress

                In jeans and a too big T-shirt

                In a garter belt and thigh high stockings

And be stunned

By the light they see in me

I want to be the first person thought of

When there is anger

Or sorrow

Loneliness

Laughter.

Or one of the first.

What if no one outside of you can ever

Comfort you?

What if the deepest tender parts of you

Are burnt beyond ever believing again?

Even if I don’t believe those things are true

If you believe it, they become the truth

So I focus inward again

Recalling that the culling

Of your fear demons

Is not my job

I have my own tigers to tame

Wounds to lick, muscles to build, trees to plant

I remember I, alone, am the star in this looping movie

III. Transformation

In art, the complimentary colors

Are the ones opposite each other

On the color wheel

The ones you might not, initially, pair

In science, opposite poles

Attract- electron to proton

Creating static electricity

The pouring stroke of lightning fire cracking apart the universe

For one small, sensual second

Buddhism teaches that without the absolute

The relative may devolve into pity, sentimentality

Without the relative, the absolute

May melt to nihilism and a lack of desire to engage

It is possible to love without clenching

In fact, isn’t that how love should really work?

To hold loosely, leaving all the locks off

Unlatch the gate

Unclip the restraints

Step into the breeze, together

There is so much to explore!

Both inside and out.

Every adventure story expands

With someone to share it, water it,

Tend to its needs.

Why not go one step further? From surviving

To thriving?

Turn a desert into a green and growing haven.

Build rainwater roofs

Composting toilets and find alternative fuels

That leave the trees

Alone.

When you like a flower, you pluck it

And when you love it? The Buddha says

When you love it,

You water it daily.

Someday, I’ll have a whole

Flower garden. 

Let’s listen to hear

Where the water will come from.

take a drink of Love

From February 2015

fierce and full true giving
with no request for
returning
an arm to hold me
a hand upon my lower back-
     a straightening
fingers stroking soft on my cheek
a shoulder pillow for my head
quiet
someone else to do the laundry
breakfast in bed
   lunch in bed
      dinner
in bed
entwined in
bed
naked and warm limbs
that tie
     your soul
to mine.

Cecilia Justine

When I close my eyes

I see you

And I see the dream

Of all I hope for you

Our tiny family

Danced

In the doctor’s office

When your nascent bottom

Sat square upon my belly

Showing us

For sure

You were a girl

My dream and my greatest fear

For I was raised by our women

I saw the power and pain

Of our women

We are women

 With wings, yes

And claws and

Talons and passion

And so

Much

Power


Like superhero lore

That power and passion

Comes paired

With layered lessons

Of responsibility.


Innocence ignited and

Ignored

Survival buried

The kindness

Abuse strangled

The hope

Trauma tortured

The tendrils of love


I got no stories from our women

I got name calling

Fear

Judgement


A beautiful 2 year old

Laughing and haloed in the Texas evening sun

“She’s so pretty, we’ll need to get her on birth control before she’s 12”

Stupid statements said without thought

And the trajectory of everything twists, tilts, and spills

Till it is MY turn

And Hell No.

I see you, judgement. Walk away.

I will hold her in my arms and soothe her screams

I lay beside her crib

My face pressed against the bars till I have imprints

For she will take no lovey object other than me

Hell NO is my response to past patterns.


You will own your own body

And find power in your voice alone

And I will amplify whatever you need said

If you even need

My voice


I have your tiny thin arms

That snake around my neck

And in their slithering motion, heal

Every muscle they pass


Your smile is as big as the biggest

Crescent moon

Curling around every part of me

That ever felt small

And lifting it larger than love


Your eyes are open ocean magic

Lit by luminous summer moon moans

Melting fear and pain and trauma

Into chances

And future

And fearlessness

Or courage…depending on the perspective


My dear

My darling

You are tiny pieces of me

Echoes of all

Of our women

And really

You are none of us


While all of us

Stand behind you

Beside your

Around you and within you


We are your ancestors

Living and dead

And you are the most beautiful

Imperfect

Stubborn

Feisty

Magical

Creative manifestation

Of no dream we have ever had


Thank heaven I have you,

May I always be worthy.

For I know very little in life as well as I know

That your love

Is the liquid elixir

That fixes nothing

And yet heal the holes

In every part of my aching

heart

And the hearts

Of all

Our women

The story of the Laurel and White Oak Trees

"Keep your guard up," he implores
He pauses in his lip path across the vastness
 Of the space between my ribs

Keep my guard up...

I hear the goddess wolf howl
Outside  my door
The near silent steps of padded paws
hunting

Can I reconcile my journey
Into the vastness of vulerability
With walls and guards, masks and even well meaning
moments of make believe?

When does the swaying embrace become
Softly sudden dancing?

Can your skin tell when the touch that sets it aflame
is igniting a cleansing slow incense burn
and not
a raging, devouring flame?

How strong are my feet rooted
In the sands and soil of love?
Even if they run tap roots deep as the 200 year old
white oak
With a trunk as wide as it is tall
Is that enough
if he chooses to turn away?

Shall I be like the she wolf goddess warrior
Medeina, refusing a partner
Protecting not hunter but
Forest?
Standing solo yet surrounded by wolves?

I know now I could.  I can.

And this is my story
My myth
I write my own rules
Set up and tear down my own boundaries

So barefoot, naked to my toes
With purple hair flaming
And my heart so hot my chest glows
My eyes close
So I can see clearly

I'll keep my walls up only to my knees
my tears as diamond male
Are all the armor I will ever need
Each cascading cathartic crystal
Cleansing every corner
Of my softly jagged soul

My roots run deep
Deep and wide as the centuries old oak
My heart guarded by the Medeina
But she is not me

I prowl with arms and heart wide open bare
beneath my crystalline armor

The questions are not mine
but his

Will he ask them?
If so, what will he say?

I have held death in my arms
And kissed it's dry, still feet
I have looked into the eyes of everything
and walked away, alone

And I cannot answer his questions for him
I cannot, in truth, even get him to ask them

I will keep my guard up
For my guard is my own tender, loving embrace
And being held thus,
I can see each joy as clear as
every scar that sews me and holds me, body and soul,
together
A golden veined tapestry of wood and blood and
root and fur.

I know what I choose.

Always