without

first birthday without him.
I have mostly done alright...it hits me in moments and I find
I just get confused; tired; immobilized.
Thank goodness for our friend who I asked a while back to come and take our daughter on a motorcycle ride today.
That was a special thing John did for her on her birthday and she LOVED it.  She was
thrilled our friend could come today.  Tonight,
while she was falling asleep,
I told her that her daddy's spirit was here hugging and loving all over her.
She put her arms up in the air and hugged the space in front of her.
She told me she hugs him and talks to him sometimes.  I told her that makes me glad
that I talk to him, too.

And Neil is sick.  102.6 fever.  And a neighbor came and walked to dogs so I didn't have to.  I barely know him, too.  Just a nice guy.  So strange how regular things get done, are still needed, still occur...

I have gotten through.  When I think of how I wish I didn't have to "get through", the bottom drops out of me...my muscles momentarily release...

he his here somehow.  but we are still mostly
without.