now I am yelling

So for a moment or two, there was a fantasy...alive and warm and wonderful
And it made me whole
took away so much fear
I was invincible insatiable invaluable

for nowhere near long enough

before, there was doubt and regret

so now that it is over, I am overtaken anger
at all the wrong things
at everything

so my voice no longer tender screams deep and hurtful
at things unseen, seen, honestly at everything

I didn't die that day.  But I should have.  I don't know
what parts of me will come out of this alive

not sure how to hold who I wish I was close to my heart,
to recognize who
I could be

*She says life is "brutiful"- brutal and beautiful
Buddha's first noble truth is that life is painful.  Sometimes miserable
there is no Neverland, no real magic,
no coming back to me when things are done...

and I am angry.  Angry at love and death
and cancer
the past that hurt so bad
the present that hurts even worse
angry at being needed so badly every moment of the day
and having no one to hold me and help me and soothe me
angry at the happiness my children display
angry at my own anger, hopes, confusion, desire...

screaming into the darkness
into my soul
looking for the waters of Lethe to bathe
and maybe even drown me...



*Glennon Doyle Melton, an amazing, honest, wonderful woman who blogs at http://momastery.com/blog/