I won't link this one to facebook. Nothing here but pain and desperation and a sobbing plea for help. An old flame reconnected. Being in his current state of matrimony, suffice it to say he confessed this, ignited this, and soiled things....I don't want to say that. I want to say that just like the heart wants what it wants, the loins have a mind of their own...and from back to my beginnings, he owns mine...he trained them initially, and I his...oh, but I am alone. Everyone says I am not, but I am. Who helps me clean up all the poop messes each day, the trash in the living room, throw in a load of laundry, now the lawn, or walk the dogs, or figure out dinner? Who holds me and makes me feel cared for or feel desired, even in an annoying dude-let-me-sleep kind of way. I don't know who the hell I am without John. I don't know how to do this. And I feel like I will always and forever have to do it alone. And he doesn't understand, this phantom from my past. And, really, why should he? No one does. Because they are not my family. Many people love and care for me, but I am no one's family. I am no one's heart, no one's love and joy and safe haven...I have never felt more like no one in my life.
And just leave the kids out of it. This isn't about them tonight. It is about me.
Man, do I know what that 'owns my loins' thing is like. You-know-who really wrecked me for many a fumbling other person. It's a strong pull.
ReplyDeleteAnd another thing - I can't imagine how stupid WE are (I'm lumping myself in there because sometimes I'm sure I think it if I ahve the restraint not to write it, but) WE have no business writing on your facebook that you need to calm down and find love in these moments. Good intentions aside, someone's spirit following you around can't take out the garbage.
I have no idea what it is like to lose a spouse, even though I've been reading your blog for these past years) I can't imagine what if is like and I wouln'nt suppose that I could give you anything but a nod letting you know I read and grok as much as I can.
I do love that you ended it with an 'it's not about the kids' I used to date a woman in NY who was a grief counselor. She was the kind of woman who got called to the Oklahoma City Bombing site to counsel the paramedics so they would keep working and not get caught up in the humanity. If you don't save yourself, you can't be there for anyone else. That as an important lesson - take the time to love you and to keep open for love to come your way. Maybe this past love is bad news - maybe he's a stepping stone to a new person - It sounds like you're needing and open to that without (understandable) guilt.
complaining and venting and getting it all down is so important and the fact that you already know that gives me tons of hope. So thanks for giving me hope in and amongst your struggle... there's that.