Deep Dissonance

 Cognitive dissonance

A mismatched set
Of beliefs

I believe there is no way
I could ever be
Enough
For my children.

I know
I am also
Everything they need and
All they have.

Fighting for them, me, us
Inside myself
Every
Day

Cognitive dissonance assumes, maybe,
my morals were gathered
Piece by piece
From various thrift stores and
Dollar Generals
Mismatched. Confused
Gathered together in gray
Areas

So my questions crawl to the corner of my mind and fall back on the patterns
I chose
To create
Tire tracks or trenches?
Regardless, I dug these and know
That the digging brings peace

If it try to
Resist the strident chords it persists
Starts
Screaming at me, spitting
Venom

I wonder, though
If you feel this rattling
As deep as your fragile
calcium constructions
Can you heal

Enough to bring down
Brick walls
Decades old
Generations
Old

Is it a bird?
Or a paper bag in a wind waltz?

Regardless, I will try
Search to see the bird so high
In the sky it's a speck
I will try
To keep my eyes (my heart my brain)
Open

I see what surrounds me
Children in their teens (no more
diapers!)

Turn the gear on those small black
Binoculars and
Focus:

22 years by the blackboard
Wearing orange plastic glasses
Twice as big as my head

Sneaking down alone, to the river so often
it twists
Into trips
for four, or three
Usually 2
All of
You
At times, though!  (That's a win)

At the boat launch I'm  careful on the algae
Moss lip pf the stone's edge
Never standing
Just

Floating

With you
All.  Sometimes
Always, though,  the
Reminders

About breathing in deeply
Slowly
Through your nose
Smellll....

Scent is the brain's
Tardis
Transporting you anywhere
any time

I know
KNOW
K. N. O. W.
I will not always
Be here for my children.

They
know it.
That deeply, too.
Since they were 7, 4, and 2.

So I make them
Pay Attention

This year it is
2 to almost 12
And their tears
Were torrential
Hurricanical
A body,  my child’s,
Body

Trembling with tears
Born of joy
Yes, joy.
And
Because he's known
Since he was barely born
That joy
Is not

A requirement
Expected
Permanent.

I feel older
Than I am.
A long war
Will do that.

I've been at war
With life
Not death, who comes no matter what
But
Life

Life who is there
Regardless of if you want them
There
Then, at that moment,
Or not

Life
Messy,  unfocused, confusing
With pimples and stretch marks
Wrinkles and belly rolls

Warm rain followed by a bright
Silver moon
The smell of the Potomac after dark
Watching bright yellow birds
On house high sunflowers

Because we have choices
We don't have
To see
Any of it

I've been at
War
Since he died. At war
To heal
So we return to what it means...
Cognitive dissonance

Joy and pain
Life and death
Hope and despair
All at once
Deeply felt on a
Structural level

From The Trail Of Tears to
The Nazi Holocaust
From a dislocated elbow
To a Peace Corps rejection

To a backyard pool
A warehouse gymnastics gym parking lot
3 c- sections and a golden retriever

The best way
The only way
For me to show you
Now
That I love you
Is this

Winning the war
With the cacophony
Inside me
So they have something special
To see

A discordant depiction of
A loving cruelty
A universe that gives you
So much
And takes half
Before you find your feet

And beauty, still.

Curl into time

 rrow

Was full of learning
The father of my children
My best friend

Had a golf ball in his brain
Programmed to
Kill.

I remember, too , yesterday's tomorrow
When I scooted the couch
As close as possible
To your hospice bed
And a nurse
Woke me up to tell me
You

We're gone.

I
Remember nodding
Thanking her.

And being folded into a fierce fog that
was heavy
And years long

And a wish

To be not much more than
Seen

It's so easy to become
Invisible

So painful to be
Unseen

What a beautiful mosaic mess
Our journey makes
The pain and fear and hope
Become a creation
When you have other eyes

To help you see
Other arms
To curl
Into

But who
Is strong enough
For that?

Can you hold you
And me
And fear
And higher than it all...
Hope.

Can you also
Curl into
Me?
ierce fog that
was heavy
And years long

And a wish

To be not much more than
Seen

It's so easy to become
Invisible

So painful to be
Unseen

What a beautiful mosaic mess
Our journey makes
The pain and fear and hope
Become a creation
When you have other eyes

To help you see
Other arms
To curl
Into

But who
Is strong enough
For that?

Can you hold you
And me
And fear
And higher than it all...
Hope.

Can you also
Curl into
Me?
ierce fog that
was heavy
And years long

And a wish

To be not much more than
Seen

It's so easy to become
Invisible

So painful to be
Unseen

What a beautiful mosaic mess
Our journey makes
The pain and fear and hope
Become a creation
When you have other eyes

To help you see
Other arms
To curl
Into

But who
Is strong enough
For that?

Can you hold you
And me
And fear
And higher than it all...
Hope.

Can you also
Curl into
Me?

Even if it's invisible

 

Tenses
and time
Are funny things
Wishes and thoughts
Dreams and what you
Think
Will be

I always wanted to be a
Mother
And
Never wanted to
Without their
Father
Beside me

It's not a game
Mating and growing old
You have what you've
Always had

You've got me

Broken and mad
And weaker than any strong woman
Stronger than you ever
Could've dreamed

I have children now
But they don't know
Me

Not like I ever
Thought I'd be

When you spend a
Decade
Carrying death and the future and
Judgement
Aloneness and unrequited passion
Fear and frustration

It bends
Your back
Parts of you grow strong
You never knew existed
Other parts
Change

You have what you've always had
Me

I hear you
In the dark of breaking corners
Inside my mind
Broken? Tenses are hard
Will break unless

You remember
To love all the broken bits
You don't have to say it
Think it
Feel it
See

It in your heart

It's hard
Except foe in the soft spots
Where you cannot stand

But for a moment
I had you
And it hurts
That our kids cannot see
A me that wasn't quite
So
Breaking? Broken?

I will not break
Until I do

You have what you have
Always had

Sexy. Messy. Weak. Confused.
Strong. Smart. Lost.

Buy I am here.

And you have what you
Have always had
My children
His
Ours

You have not just mine
Me

But our
His

Love

Candybar kisses

 Time bubbles

Confusion and clarity float
On the same space
Inside
And ability collides with
Struggle
Judgement

Time
Is faster than a breath
Slower than every hope you are waiting
For, walking along with no
Control over

It rained
And seemed to burn
My skin...there were rainbows
Once
Still are, somewhere
The taste in my mouth
Bitter and dry as unsweetened
Cacao, what could have been
A candy bar
A kiss

Is dust
Burned flesh and chunks
Of bone

The clarity leaves
Me blind
Do I burn myself
Cause this damage of my
Own
Free will?

Untitled

 I can't find it

Inside
Anymore

Hope

Or joy

I'm bitter
Angry
Tired of trusting
And trying

I see people with cancer
Doing well and should
Cheer, rejoice
But it makes me more

Bitter

His battle was lost
Before it begun
Our family shredded
Leaving me, bleeding
Smoking, poisoned
Behind

I see people finding love
Connections
And should feel so grateful
They don't have to go to bed
3,000 nights (and counting) with no
One to
Touch

I don't. I feel bitter and
Jealous and mostly
Hopeless

Make goals, even small ones
Find spirituality
Do something you love
Find community

I have
And I dropped them
All
And they scattered and I can't
Seem
To find them

Or the energy to keep
Looking

Such a strange, Shameful thing
To be so full of love
Walking on the cooling coals
That once burned a determination fire
So bright
To never give up, to try, to heal, to give and
Grow
So full of love, Jealousy, bitterness, anger,
Exhaustion, and fear.

None of that
Mixes well inside me
It burns my throat
My voice
My hope

a heart going blind from
The inside, a star
Imploding
Walking along on heavy legs
With bad knees and an
Aching murmur along every
Nerve

I can't find it
Anymore

Hope

Unspeakable

 Words

To never say again
As real as
Ice cream cones
Bright red remote control cars
And tiny fake Christmas trees

The silence
Screams inside filthy
Windows striped
With rain
Pain
Death and medicine

Words
You will not offer
Again
Fight you
A warrior in doctor's scrubs
A doctor wielding a gun?
They fight you like
White blood cells inside
A dying body

No matter how much you wish
To say them
Or how often you do
They melt inside you
Burning things that never
Saw
The sun

Words
You wish you could say
Again
Break you
After years
A decade like a century
Heavier than even
A mother's love

Frozen
Dead before they begin
An
I
Love
You

That has no
You
And with an
I

That's
Dying

Stumbling

 I've done

It
Sort of...
I made a home
Here
It might have a
Capital
H

In one world
I know what that could
Mean

But I wear glasses
I cannot take off
That color
My universe

It's a
Kaleidoscope
In here
Barking dogs
Dr. Who
Unfolded laundry up to the knees

And you don't want to see
The bathrooms

Kaleidoscopes
Can make you dizzy
So can trauma
Blurring
Even the good bits when you won't
Face it
All

And really
I have no skills as a carpenter
I don't know how
To build a home

And if I
I am the foundation
Alone
That does not
Feel safe

I'm living out
My worst fear
Alone
In front of my kids
Which magnifies
It all
A funhouse mirror
Distorting what happens
So I don't know reality
From fantasy

The fantasy of
Nightmare
The one where you are
Naked
Seen
Judged

But this isn't the halls of my high school
It's my life
And I've no
Clue
Where my steps
Should go

And I don't think
I'm dancing
And I'm worried
My capital H
Is a version of
hell

I've been herewe

 Hi

Grief is so weird. It never ends, ya know? And it changes bit stays the same. 

I'd like to share some things I've written.

FOR JUST A MOMENT...IT'S WORTH IT

When you hear it

Can you see?

When you Fear it

Can you feel? 

The wind 

She sings And screams 

Dances and drums

While the moon

Fades from 

Silver

To red

To orange and magic

Inside corset colors

Of lace and frustration 

Nothing gets 

Deleted when healing

Is on the line 

Listen 

It's harder than you think 

Ask

Because that too takes

Lakes of strength 

We are woven 

Together

A tapestry

Of human and ape

Chimp, chalice,, tortoise, maple, mica 

Erosion both breaks and builds 

Time is the gift

Our children struggle with

The barrier that bars us from seeing

Easily

Our hope in fruition 

And time 

Is the 

Thing 

That lets the roots

Grow too. 

Let Time 

Rumble

In your bones 

When you hear it

Can you see?

When you Fear it

Can you feel? 

When you wonder

Can you wait? 

Can you? 

INVISIBLE

I never
Is a game
Many of us have played
Hoping for a glimpse
Into the sexy
Parts
The hidden parts

And then
There is the pain place
Of
I'll never have

A room tinted green
Shameful and invisible
What did you do?
A question that bends
In on itself
Because so often

It's nothing

I didn't do it
Right

They cannot
See

FALLING

I never
Is a game
Many of us have played
Hoping for a glimpse
Into the sexy
Parts
The hidden parts

And then
There is the pain place
Of
I'll never have

A room tinted green
Shameful and invisible
What did you do?
A question that bends
In on itself
Because so often

It's nothing

I didn't do it
Right

They cannot
See
Me

Trust is hard
Hope is hard.
And even when you make
The hard choices...

You can still be
Invisble

FALLING

Do you know
How quiet the deep is?
We make believe so much,
Tip toe through the sore spots
With our screams swallowed
And strangling us

We are the ones
Left Behind
And we wonder
How do you turn the sound down
When there is none?

We walk
Like you do
With our secrets stuffed
Deep down
Chained to an Emptiness
So heavy
Our limbs bend in broken ways

But quietly
A quiet so deep it silences
So much around us

Like snow, it blankets our world
Swallowing foot steps
Tears
Hopes

Do you know
How quiet the deep is?

They say it's better to have loved
And lost
Than never to have loved at all but
What about the walking
After?

For years. Without.
Holding so much of it
In

Whispering
Always whispering
So loud
The tears tremble themselves dry
Before even
Falling

QUESTIONS 

When I was young
It was wondering
Why they fought
So
Much

Then it was
Where is he? Why doesn't
He wasn't to talk to me?

Then it was wondering
Where I'd go
Who I'd be
Who would
Stand
Beside me

Time turned
And I walked
In the woods
In college corridors
Wait staff hallways beneath
Restaurant buildings

So many
Lovers
Cigarettes
Tears
Lessons
Poems
Books

When you are widowed
Too young (what age is old enough? )
Your questions
Bend

It's about how
To get through
Not just day to day
But despair to hope (because there are kids)
Hurting to healing
Hating it all
To

Embracing
The pain
Because that blood
That rage
That
Fear

He has a name
The name is
Having Loved And Lost

And there's verses
And books
And songs
Lives
Written about
Him. Her. Them

Here's a secret:
The answer looks like nothing
You've ever
Seen

No matter what you've
Read
Written
Done

It's bloody footprint
After stupid mistake
After gorgeous victory

And it doesn't end
Till you do

Because their father
Is gone
Your best friend
Is gone
Your love and hope and future
Is gone

At least
How it was all almost
Written.

So.
The next one is about
How do you find the will
To not just breathe
Again

But how do you
Find a way
To live

Again

Me

Trust is hard
Hope is hard.
And even when you make
The hard choices...

You can still be
Invisble

Alone In A Hospital...please

 Alone

Is an interesting feeling
It can be
So
Empowering

When you learn to ski
Alone
Laughing at your attempts
To fall, done only
So you can practice getting up.

Dinner and a movie
Alone
And drinks with
A book and notebook

And then, again,  Alone
Is quite
Large

When you walk the corridors of
A sleeping hospital
Leaving the father of your children
Slowly dying in a narrow bed with white sheets
And blankets warmed by
A machine
Your breasts full and aching
Dripping milk
For the babe who will grow up
Without him

Without anyone
But you

Because of
Nothing

Because nothing makes sense and nothing
Is planned

And after an eight year eternity
There isn't one voice
One heart

Other than yours

To care when your sunshine
Goes under the knife

And no.  It's not cancer. Not this time.
Probably.

Alone shows you just
How loud
Emptiness
Can
Scream

I don't like it here
And that's
Irrelevant

Alone
Is an interesting feeling
I'm ready for something
More boring

If So

 IF SO

I.

Could you

Believe that what I want

From you is actually

For you? 

I hope you

Let go

So you can hold on

Better to what is living 

Because if you hold on too

Tight in awkward places

It stops 

Being safe 

Can you see 

What you gave me 

Is something I also hope I gave

To you? 

Space

Time

A pause where beauty lived

Passion and, accidentally, hope...

Meant not just some thing but

Everything 

Can you engage your brain, but not alone

Sewn

tightly to your soul

Your bone... so tight it

Makes the light come through 

Even if you couldn't believe before

Can you

Now? 

Because then

It's worth it 

II. 

WORTH IT 

A bit better 

What is it

That you want... 

To be?

As you walk Barefoot, on fire

Through the woods dripping

With river water? 

Who even

Are you? 

I'm

Not sure, yet,

48 years in

But

I like when bugs 

Land on me

When children 

Smile at me

When old white guys

Let me hold the door for them 

(Without rolling their eyes)

I like sexy, scary, twisted stories

Spicy chips

And falling asleep

Fast 

Can you see

That what I want from you

Is what you've given me? 

Passion 

Hope

Yes, some pain. This one really is

What is, and also

Connection. Sight. When we were

Invisible 

I want the kind of vision

That doesn't spit 

On you

But spit polishes the mirror

So you can SEE 

y o u r 

I n c r e d I b l e

Worth 

Not just for me but

Because then, it

Was.

Grastoff Green Song

 A LESSON OF LINES

A.K.A ART

For John, the father of my friend Irene

A bard sings songs

Of far away lands

Of magic and of justice

And a green fog falls 

Softly 

from a velvet sky

A tiny light

White-blue blurry

Silently illuminates

A spotlight on

A memory moment

This One curls onto the couch

Cuddles into the corner sighing

Softly down to slow

Realizing their water 

Is just

Out of reach and a silent look

To That One, already settled when spurs

A small sweet movement

Without a blink, That One gets up

To deliver the tumbler of hydration

And the memory moment fades

The white-blue blurry light highlights a

Blossom of growth billowing through

A delicate deer skull 

Embracing a dancing, entwining

Spiked vine of maroon red roses

His troubadour song spins the green fog

Faster

And there is a return to

Here

Now

His deep voice sews words in

Your heart

And what you hear

Is one

Small phrase:

The small things

Words that ring a crown

Of lavender and daisies

Tied together as they twine

Through white gold rings

Chainmail too soft

For the battle field

And sparkling with magic 

Green purple white yellow

The stars are brought down

From everyone’s heavens

To dance around your dreams

When you slow, bow, breathe

And look around

The end, the beginning, the small steps in between

The twelve strings shudder as his song

Comes to an end

And the notes fill the void

From finger tips 

To hearts and lips

That sound is proof 

That we are one with

the purple pink teal sky blanket of Aurora’s light

The spider web wilting 

on the corner of the porch

The crows floating above 

circling bare branches

The river swirling and tumbling

over smooth stone

Woven and held together by

Lines we cannot hear and notes

we’ve never been able to see.

A Witness

 I think I learned things….

I learned a way to be patient

That didn’t require leaning on the phone

It is a breath...a step...a focused

Choice

As is

Letting someone in

I think I learned

That things which bring me

Only Me

Joy, also have a deep value

It is not my job to comfort            only

The pain of 

Others 

I learned you need to want

To try

Like an addict needs to want

To heal

Like a racist needs to want

To see

My soundtrack is missing

These long lonely months

I have so few tunes bubbling

Aong the stream of my consciousness

Touch

Is rare

Belly laughs

Nonexistent

Other flesh sensations 

    A bit         beyond buried 

I learned you need to hear

I learned you need to be able to hurt

I learned you need 

To

Be 

      Brave

If even barely baby steps

Are 

Gargantuan

From your vantage point

I think I learned things…

And wonder what about that

Matters

If no one will listen

And then

I wonder

What if you were the voice 

Of the Mother

Who birthed the beginning of

Us 

All 

Unable to share

Unable to prevent

Able only

Beautifully, bleeding along beside us,

To witness

To listen

To both cry and laugh

Alongside us

The River’s incessant, gorgeous

Chatter

The silver smooth voice of birds in

Song

The rustling, gentle rattley 

Whisper

            Of the wheat 

The ice that 

Clinks as it strikes frozen 

Wood 

The sheep that

Bleat a chaotic

     Beat into the night song

If nothing else

To have that,

With someone safe

Watching.

Counterfeit

Writing poems

To no
One
Emails to send into
Actual
Black holes
Serenaded by black bird corvid caws

Perfection
Memorized
Memorialized
Is all about persepective
Because we are all
Cracked

Perhaps for
You
Perfect
Is the isolated razor
Slice that
Severed your scarlet brown
Bogatyr soul
From
Your shriveled
Untested
Unwilling
Capable carcass

A foe who chooses over and
Over
To not only not enter
The arena
But not
Acknowledged the existence
Of garden growth and stone

Play, my dear
As your symbols sear to plastic
Binary equations
Holey socks, shirts, underpants and
Heart
Your numbered cubes and magic talking box
Are a kind of
Magic

Your gaze is more bored
Than fierce
Your cunning outweighs your strength
You boast without song
Although your ability
Hums brown and gray inside you

Have you noticed?
No one is actually
Keeping score

Photo credit: 

https://nicholaskotar.com/2018/05/11/russian-valkyries-woman-warrior-brides-of-the-bogatyrs/