I keep thinking about writing, but I never seem to get to my computer. Our kids started back at school today. Our oldest is in 6th grade, then 4th, and finally 2nd. The oldest two are latch key kids. That is something that never would have happened, if John had lived. I felt him with me today...two butterflies landed on me at our fire drills, and a friend randomly mentioned January 13, which is his birthday.
What does it matter? You clean up as much of the shit as you can, and YOU GO ON. You fail. And you fail again. More than anything else, that IS what life is about. I am a tiny bit ashamed that, after four years, I am still saying this, but I whisper wish that John could try again. And really, I'm not ashamed, but proud as hell because that wish is my way to honor the imperfect love we had for each other. When I miss him, when I feel his energy, when I think of him, laugh about him, cry for missing him...all those moments are ways to keep him with me
I've spent a lot of time over the last several years thinking about how I will need to move forward WITHOUT a lot of things.
And yet, some connections I made this summer helped me to see that, along side those "without" people and things, I have some amazing "together" moments and people too.
Still, the nights are mine. They are long, lonely, lovely.
notes and thoughts from a widow and mother of three
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