always forward, always back.

It’s been over 4 years that I’ve been a widow

I connected with a man.  And he is smart and kind and a UU and

I just don’t know that I can do it.

I don’t know that I can ever try again

It’s too hard to get beyond my defenses.  I am

Terrified

That everyone I love

Will leave…even if they do not want to

And I am over whelmed by the weight of every day life

As much as I love my kids

I want to give them away

It’s not a poem.  It’s a confession.  It’s my ripped up tattered heart

And it needs to be bagged and trashed

Except that kindness comes my way

And I want to honor love

And hope

And forward motion

Every moment of every day

Is a gift and burden

A chance to try for mindfulness

A slip into the oblivious oblivion

Of a 7 year old’s screams

Louder than the light of the sun

A swaying waltz of missteps melted to

Perfect moments

Where the cool breeze careeses my belly

And fish play a bubble song

Just below my line of sight

Where finger trails of symbiotic

Scintillating, circuitous trails

Draw invisible patterns on barely reluctant flesh

But the sun sets

The sun rises

The silence still screams its stabbing

Whispers

And when I surface long enough to look around

Shattered windowpanes still surround us

So we define what we can

We break...which way

We choose for it to be open and not

Apart

But some days

Distance

Silence

Expulsion

THEY are the screams

Without words

That we must (CAN?)

learn

To dance

To...