shining desperate dichotomy (poem)

I'm trying to learn.  And I'm bothered by the numbness the lessons bring
crystal clear visions of the hospital bed
stuffed into our living room, with the gold tint chandelier
hanging above him
our youngest curly haired boy climbing up to kiss him
thumbs up
always
a thumbs up

and not ever a moment of understanding
for what it looks like
from behind my eyes

I have a balloon
inflating and deflating
in my chest
pushing so hard it often impedes breathing

but it's an old balloon
and there are lives inside
that sometimes scream

that make no sense

a teenage girl biking to the park to read
arriving home to defamation and curses

a young woman seeing the slatted lights
that stream through plastic window blinds
trying and failing to push off the weight of a man

a college student stepping into a car
that leads down a rabbit hole to hell
three faces, just three too many

and there is the tapping
head and face, collar bone and hand

attempting to move memories
heavier than granite
with talons that burn
sliding the slab aside
to face
the next layer

maneuver the minefield
dig up the deadly chunks of metal
that threaten to blast every breath
of hope from healing hands

it has to be a solitary selection
choosing the moment of standing
and loosing the support you cling to...

while whispers of self hatred
spread gravel in my ears
the deepest dichotomy
is that desperate need to define
what strength is

Is it a pushing toward empty
a solitary violent spiral
inward

Or is it allowing yourself
to break open
in shattering shining moments
creating cracks to fill
with gold

I know what I believe
I simply question my abilities.