Nothing and fear and...don't worry, I won't

“No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.”
― C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed

For love

Of a bear?

Please…for the love of nothing

Other than desperately trying

To not feel alone

To not feel what I feel

Without you, my green lantern

I don’t like this

I don’t like ANY of this

I want a hole the size of life

To climb inside

Not so I can disappear.

So the pain can

That

Will never happen

I will have to live

Forever

With this pain

Because I won’t let go of him

Of his love of his life of his story of his touch

I may not be

Crashing through underbrush

Using my hands to try and catch fish

Barefoot

Scared

But I am stranded on a deserted island

Just the same.

I have a secret wish

That I don’t ever want to come true

I want to die

I want to be with him

And as far as I can tell…that is the only way

Let my hands become numb

My heart become numb

My soul

Become numb

I broke rules

To make my heart

Feel softer

I stepped over lines

I drew when I was almost a kid

Lines that almost killed me

For real

Lines I never thought

Would be in the question

Ever

Again

I want a hole

That will swallow my mistakes

My fear

But not my loss

My loss is my hero

My loss is the only thing that ties me

To love and hope and some messy version

Of everything

I want to be tied to it all

I just don’t know

If I have the strength

To tie the knot,

To withstand the pull

To handle the burn of it rubbing

Around my heart

I don’t know if I do…

And yet

I have to.