even without light

here I am.
I am standing
in soft, gentle rain
about to turn to ice and snow

I am broken
and I am whole
perhaps more on both ends
than many people ever are

I am fearful- to my core-
and still so brave
I am filled with hope and fear in
corresponding, comparable amounts

The lonely that touches me leeches to
the inside of my soul
to the place where things are inside out
yet, for what I had, I have to see
the other side of that
the side of fantasy embodied, of desire made massive

my past taps my shoulder here
she whispers secrets
I never paid attention to
where memory used to convey
pain and loss
the Pain and Loss I feel now show me only
strength
They show me that what was before
was only shadow
that what I have lived through
had more to offer than what I used to
remember

Memory
such a slippery dance partner
he spins you left
leaving lingering scents of tears and tearing
when really
if you look
with the magnifying glass of mourning
there were crystalline carvings
of so much more
of passion
of caring
of need
of, even, love
where he only used to spin you enough
so you saw pain

if only there were a time maching
capable of twirling moments
across your finger tips and heart
so you could see
crystal ball clear
instead of what you've always seen
see yours and his and theirs
see within it all
that might manifest itself in
myriad moments of power and
in opening
where there were only closings...

bring me the snow
bring me the heavy things
I have no choice because they are here
but bring them, just the same
let me call
let me scream to the unhearing universe
"Take me, or give it all!"
I can't do it, but I will
and so
in being unable
I will carry more capabilities than anyone
who thinks it is easy

I know things are dark
I know that are sharp
I know to carry swords and lanterns
food, water, pictures of the past
and I know,
deep into caves
I know
no knowing will prepare you

You just
have
to
keep
going.