stamina

ugh.  man.  I need to find a way to build stamina.  It isn't like I did anything today.  Well, I mean, I went to church, moved laundry from the washer to the dryer, changed the litter box, made cupcakes for Neil's birthday (which was three days ago), went grocery shopping...ok.  Never mind.  I did stuff.  But I also laid around!  I didn't want to get out of bed this morning.  I almost didn't get vertical early enough to go to church, even though my eyelids were up around 6:50.  (church is at 11:00)

I wrote some too. 

I also took notes at church.  We talked about how to explain to someone what it sort of means to be a UU.  It was interesting...talking about the etymology of the word heretic:   In ancient Greek, the verb hairein, meaning "to take", gave rise to the adjective hairetos "able to choose" and the noun hairesis "the act of choosing".

We talked about how our religion believes that you don't have to believe alike to love alike.  But there are things that we do NOT believe in.  It isn't true that you can believe whatever you want and be a Unitarian Universalist.  We do not believe in a heaven and hell the way most Christians and Catholoics do.  Saved and damned doesn't work in our church, because we believe in the inherent worth and dignity of everyone.  So salvation, whatever that may look like to you, is for everyone in our beliefs.  We also do not believe that there is one and only one religion that encompasses the only truth for all time.  I like those things.

I think I would feel so much safer moving through the world if I thought more people believed these things.  Whether we want to embrace it or hide from it, we all change and evolve. And UU's have chosen as our symbol the chalice...a flickering flame ever changing, remolding, evolving, devolving, flowing...

I seriously feel, at times, like I want an axe to chop away and apart and into pieces.  But not for the act of brokenness...although that must be part of the process.  But for the chance to put it ALL together again, not just the pieces that fell off when John died.  If I can't have him, I don't know who I am or where I am going or what to do with so many parts of me...so I feel this drive to rip it all to pieces and start again.

I might know how to do that, if it were just me.  But everything is so much more complicated with three pairs of small shining eyes watching everything I do, understanding almost nothing.

So, stamina...I just wish that I could find the backbone to stretch from here till I was done...or till I had someone close enough to help add their strength...I choose my battles the best I know how:  I leave the living room a mess so that I can read and write and watch movies and nap.  I make sure laundry is done, dishes are clean, there are birthday cupcakes, and the dogs get walked.  I love cooking, but right now, I am all about frozen pizza, frozen nuggets, eggos, snack foods, and eating out...but we have great kids chewable vitamins with real food and probiotics, we only drink V8 Fusion, and I get applesauce and squeezers with fruit and veggies.

Maybe stamina is about figuring out what will fit in the strength you have right now, jamming it all in, looking around and seeing what you missed, and thinking about fitting some of that stuff in some other time...cuz while we are still here, there will always be tomorrow...