with me

since my two hour session with my counselor, I have felt John with me.  I can see his huge smile more clearly, almost hear him whisper in my ear.  almost feel his arms around me.

today at the dermatologist, the sweet girl who brings me in and orders my meds asked how things were going...I tried to smile and not say anything, but she is very kind...so I had to say the two worst words...the ones I say that rock me to my core.  they don't always make me cry.  but they do make me feel like dying.  do not mistake that for suicidal thoughts.  I do not have those.  i just sometimes wish i could die, because a world without him just seems so imbalanced....so wrong....i told her "he died" and she hugged me and i hid in the bathroom and cried.

and moved on

more or less...

"When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight." --Kahlil Gibran 

as our daughter says, John, I love you all the way to aliens...