out of order, expletive ridden, and perhaps a little inappropriate...

with my husband dying at my side, why is it that all the men in my life are distant, nonexistent, disconnected, and scared of even offering comfort...it makes my heart break ten times more, as if that were possible, to see this brave and incredible man I love leaving me...breathing his life away...I am somehow expected to understand that I can't ask too much, because maybe then I will be asking them somehow to take on the responsibility of being a father to my kids or maybe they might have to think for more than one day about how this strong and loving man who was their friend is dying and that is just asking too much...because they can go home, all of them, and things are normal and fine and level.  Or, if you are in my family, you can just, well, do nothing at all.  Or lie.  And lie some more about smaller things, be petty, act like I am being childish for wanting to take responsibility for things...such a childish and selfish thing, to want to try to figure out some sort of financial plan for my future, for the future of my sweet babies...

and while I am at it you cowardly sons of bitches, there isn't ONE of you who is worth one one-hundredth of my John, you can piss off if you think I want you to be their father or their father figure...all I wanted was a connection to this wacky and talented and crazy guy...but I sure am sorry if I asked too much of you....you weak and useless shitheads...

yeah...this one isn't going up*...he's an asshole.  men are assholes and weaklings and pieces of shit and none of them are worthy of me and my kids...of course, that sounds like my nanna.  maybe the compromise is somewhere between them being shit bags and me being a worthless screw up...find a place where we all mess up and where no one cares... or, well, maybe they care but it doesn't matter...


*guess I changed my mind...in honor of a friend I've never met who I hear blogs whatever is on her mind, although she isn't usually like that...and who sometimes uses the "f" word too much...but I deleted mine, or at least changed them to sightly more "British" curse words ("piss off" always makes me think of Monty Python)