If only I dreamed (poem)

I had a life once
a different life
self contained, assuming every

bar I walked into I'd find
Him

and instead, He came to my school.
I had camping days with peacocks screams
replacing the cock call
ice water bikini dips in foreign shelf lakes

I had coral reef colors
swarming and filtering through
the complete mask and regulator
and an angry red octopus slammed, mouth down
on my upturned palm.
I had skydives and surf lessons,
midnight drives to a lover's house

I had a wedding dress
a golden dog
dry hands to hold
a ring side seat to fire dives
and street luge races

I had a life once
so different than I'd ever dreamed
far more
than I ever hoped

I got to watch
as it withered
hold hands with it
while the balance wandered off
the left arm began to hang
the liquid dried up from inside
and the lips began to stick together

Lifetimes and moments
flash inside seconds
while dancing with eternities
that spin you
much
too fast

I had a different life once
reaching
with my heart
into the future
holding hands and touching souls
lighting fires
connecting minds

I got to watch
as the microscopes
were pulled out, I winced as they were attached
I lay there
as they purveyors of pretend perspicuity
pulled back my skin
cracked my skull
unfurled the curls of brain
that held me all together

and then, with pieces of me pinned to the table
exposing my inside bits
corpse like
they deemed me unworthy
showing generosity
as they allowed me to attempt
to continue to try
from my supine state
sipping coffee, judging from the sidelines
as I failed
reminding me that others have had it hard
and this,
this was all
on
me

So now
I am a ghost
infiltrating a life that isn't yet
mine
I had a life once
a different life
a few different lives
and now
now I have serendipitous tendrils
spun from dying crying phalanxes of phantom moments of hope
spinning slowly, lacking thrusters
freezing and choking
in the massive, encompassing vastness of space
so quiet
so lonely
so far beyond anything
I feared possible

I have a life to build,
mouths to feed
and memories to live up to
an empty core
that breaks and spreads the hollow deeper,
it cracks and curls inward
waiting to be filled with gold
a new creation
far more broken
imperfect
and
if I'm lucky
more beautiful
than anything
I ever
dreamed
possible.