open

the night air is warm
so when I reenter my home
the air inside tingles
like water

I am in the hollow of the night
and I reach to you

I am ashamed I haven't done this
more
over the last year

Like a fisherman
who routinely throws back
his catch
but who is starving
I know that wanting you
and wanting to release you
have opposing and equal value

I fight my daily dichotomy
yet I see it struggle and writhe
in our oldest son

He wonders about the ability
of carbon to be both coal
and diamond

He sees Bigfoot not as a legend
but as Sasquatch to be searched for

He craves a life of science
and shuns mathematics, reading
yet can excel in them all

His tender heart
folds in
crawls through crevices
of pain and loss
that no eight year old should know

I, in turn, hurl frustration at him
with words that carry more anger
than I would ever touch
him
with

I battle a desire to teach him
to cling to the positive
in every pain
and embrace the lessons of life
like a warrior wielding a weapon
of loss against a demon of desire

No loss is too great to overcome
desire
No desire too great
to negate
loss

So we are at an impasse
The two of us

Each of my three holds a crystal part
of my heart
And his
His is the crux of it all
and his
His is the most vulnerable

So I guard it like a dragon
and like a dragon
at times my fight

http://www.amarushka.com/Images/Dragon-FireDragonLady.jpg

is too full of fire
I set aflame
the things I desire most to defend

And like a woman
I wish to manifest strength
and love
in a way
only a mother can

Which all takes time

So my role, it seems
is to make my mistakes, fire born
and loss laden
and watch things unfold
keeping my heart and my
arms
always
always
always
open