Twining twisting vines of loss

Ah, the landmark moment of
a year
So incredibly long when you look at each
moment:
     there were birthdays without him
     there was an anniversary without him
     there was potty training without him
     there were so many tears without him, about him
     there were so many cups of bitter fear and anger because I am without him
     there were books and shows without him, Jimmy Fallon without him
     there was a P!nk concert without him- and he liked her first
So much nothing, so much speed when you don't look
life like a freight train
and each month long moment blurs
past the windows
while the smoke fills your lungs, a dragon breathing into your soul
a burning longing
creating ashes full of dancing confusion
as circular as leaves singeing along the corners
of a camp fire

How is it I sit here
a passenger on a freight train
an empty seat beside me
and too much luggage to carry
while my fingers fumble for other fingers
to twine
into.