not

not sure what to put as a title.  Lost and spinning my wheels.  I don't know how to accurately explain how much I hate this.  I am clinging to the fact that John is still strong.  What the hell will I do when he isn't?  7 years.  That is how long we have been married.  Every question I have comes back to the response about how life isn't fair, so I will omit the questions since I am sick of that answer.  Suffice it to say it isn't enough.  It isn't over, and it isn't enough.  I just want to find the focus and strength to be strong in the fight.  Or maybe a way to accept the fact that I am strong.  I remember when I was on my own...maybe it was Maine?  And my tire blew on the way to work...I happened to be in front of a cop when it happened and he gave me a ride to Sears.  When the guy told me how much it would be (this was before I had my first credit card), I stood and looked at him, and burst into tears.  The poor guy just stood there and opened and shut his mouth like a fish...I dam the tears much better now.  Aiden makes me nuts and I lose it, but just for the briefest second... I apologize and tell him that even though he makes me nuts, it never even changes the amazing amount I love him.  We use John's phrase:  he is the best kid ever, and I am lucky to have him. 

I don't want to write any more.  I just don't want John to go.  I don't want any body else.  And I don't want to be alone.  Please. If not for me then for my babies.   Please.  He is so good for all of us.