I hate this. I want
to be positive and strong and confident.
And I feel like I am, I just haven’t gotten to that layer yet. I spent the day calling the Patient Advocate
Foundation to get set up to find financial assistance for child care. Then I called to get set up with an account
for getting help with John’s prescription for Temodar. I also called the Jack and Jill foundation to
tell her that I want to take the family trip whenever, since they put me on
leave anyway. I found all our tax
documents and tried to organize all our papers that were piled up in the
kitchen.
I didn’t call about substituting and figuring out how that
will work. I don’t want to sub. I just think about how ridiculously happy it
made me to take Aiden to my school, where the people that knew him when he was
in my belly could see him and help keep an eye out on him, where he wasn’t just
another kid, but Mrs. Smith’s kid, the cool and crazy 5th grade
teacher’s son. I think about holding his
hand and walking down the hall, seeing him in his classroom working, running
into him in the hall and getting a huge hug.
That was the best feeling! It
felt so comforting and right.
I keep thinking about the Princess Bride and the Buddhist
book of questions we have. Life is
pain. The point is to embrace the pain,
acknowledge it, let it brighten each positive moment. Allow yourself to learn to find calm and
comfort within the pain. John talks
about how we will see Cilly walk down the aisle together. I don’t know that I believe that will happen. I don’t know how to let myself believe
that. And I can’t say anything to the
contrary to him because he MUST believe that in order to move forward.
I don’t want to sub!
I want to not have been pulled from the only place I have ever stayed at
so long!! It wasn’t perfect, but what
the hell is??
Life is tragedy, it is beauty inside loss, and comfort in
emptiness. I just don’t want to fight
anymore. I don’t know how to fight, how
to not fight, how to choose which direction to point myself. I feel so lost and alone. I don’t know who I am or what the hell I am
doing. I am so damned tired, but I don’t
want to sleep at night. When I go to
sleep, time just rushes forward, and I want time to stop doing that.
I try to think of my mother, of Nanna, and of Cecilia who I
never met. I want to be strong enough to
honor them, but I don’t know which way to move.
I don’t know what to hope for, what to dream for, what to work for, what
to say, what to believe…I want to be a good mom, and a good wife, and I want to
take care of myself too. I hate that
this is happening and I just don’t know why or what to do!!
I feel so damn sick.
I didn’t know I could be this scared, and still move forward even a
little. I wish I could still blog or do
facebook. It really helped to be able to
share these things, and to hear from my friends.
I want to ask why this is happening, but I don’t believe
that is a good question for anything anymore.
There isn’t a reason. It just
is. It is for me to find out how to live
with it and be the best person I can be.
No more questions right now, please.
Mom, I just want to rest. I want
to relax. Why can’t I find a way to be
happy with what I have? I know I have a
shit hand, but while I look around, really, who doesn’t? It seems to be a matter of time, and a matter
of who makes the best shit-pie.
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